Fearless (A Short Story)

I plop on my bed and grab the Bible from my desk. The rugged feeling of its torn cover reminds me of how fast it has aged since Mom gave it to me for my tenth birthday present five years ago. I flip through passages in the Old Testament to see if I can find an example of a person having trouble showing positive emotions and affection. I need God to fix my problem. The highlighted verse of Isaiah 41:10 catches my attention. My large, almond-shaped eyes focuses on the first half that reads, “So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God.”

Don’t fear? Why not? People like being afraid. That is why Halloween is a thing, horror movies, and roller-coasters which I quite enjoy. In fact, I was just at the Halloween Haunt at Kings Dominion with some friends last weekend. However, the Bible paints out fear to be negative. Why? It doesn’t matter. I don’t think this verse is really going to help me with my emotional numbness. Mom shrills from the living room downstairs.

“Raven! We’re about to visit Grandma, so get ready to go,” Mom calls. I roll my eyes.

“We were just over there not even two weeks ago,” I groan under my breath. But, it is evidently enough for Tasia, my fourteen-year-old sister, to hear from across the room that we share.

“Why do you always have to complain about everything? It’s fun going to Grandma’s house. We play cards,” Tasia cautiously reprimands in a quiet voice with a frown line in the middle of her caramel colored forehead. It has been about six months since Grandma’s heart attack. Mom, as well as all my aunts, uncles, and cousins did not take this news so gravely since a nurse told them at the hospital that it is possible to live a long time with Grandma’s condition.

“Mom says she’ll be fine, Tasia.” I glare. Tasia looks down and put on her shoes in response.

…

            I slowly walk down the steps from the apartment, my every step seethes with attitude. Mom, Tasia, and my ten-year-old brother, Darrell, are already seated in the cramped car waiting for me. Mom beeps the horn at me, and then sticks her face out the window in the sunlight. I notice that Mom’s dark skin barley has any wrinkles on it even though she’s forty. I hope that my lighter skin will turn out that way when I’m older.

            “We’re suppose to meet everyone at Grandma and Papa’s house at 4:30. You’re going to make us late.” Mom’s usually soft voice is strained with frustration. I speed up, swinging my braids, and settle in the passenger seat of the car.

            “Who else is going?”  I question exasperated. Mom never tells us anything. Her thin hand shifts the car in drive, and we drive off in a rush.

            “Aunt Valerie, a few of your cousins, and some distant relatives.” My thin eyebrows shoot up. Normally if there ever is any company besides us it would just be Aunt Valerie and her two grandkids—Mesha and Freddy.   

            “Oh cool. More people to play cards with,” Tasia heartily addresses mom.

            “Is there going to be food there?” Darrell pipes up from the back seat. He’s almost too short for Mom to see him in the rearview mirror.

            “We’re stopping by your favorite fast food restaurant on the way there, honey” Mom assures Darrell in a sweet motherly tone. I shake my head. Mom’s favoritism is too obvious. If Darrell didn't say he was hungry I bet Mom wouldn’t have stopped to buy us anything to eat. I look out the window to watch the dead autumn leaves roll down the windy road and hear them crunch under the wheels of the car.

…

            After we stop by Arby’s, Darrell starts babbling about how his day went at school.

            “In class, my friend asked me if anybody in my family died. At first I said no, but then I remembered the story about John. It’s been bothering me ever since. Why did our cousin die in his in his sleep when he was only in his thirties?” Darrell asks mom. Mom taps her fingers on the wheel of the car.

            “No one knows,” I declare looking back at him.

            “It’s a mystery” Mom declares taking a shaky breath. God must have had a reason to take him. But the strange part is that Valerie always had a fear of him dying, even when he was a child. She persuaded him out of joining the military too because of that, and always wanted him close by. But it didn’t matter, he died in his sleep when he was spending the night at Aunt Valerie’s house.

            “You know FDR said that there is nothing to fear than fear itself,” Tasia says a notch above a whisper. Darrell smiles at Tasia admiringly for knowing that quote.

            “Whatever know-it-all” I snarl at Tasia, effectively crushing her pretty smile. When I see my sister’s grey eyes watering, I feel a pang of guilt in my gut. I know God’s not happy about what I just said. I want to say sorry, but I stay silent even when Mom urges me to apologize. It’s just too embarrassing to show affection and remorse.

…

            Grandma’s living room is packed with familiar and unfamiliar faces. Grandma’s plump body sits in her cozy armchair with an unnecessary oxygen tank beside it. Papa only sits it beside Grandma for her peace of mind. We all greet her when we walk in. Now I’m sandwiched in-between Mom and Tasia on a couch in front of the window. The light that the window is letting in is quickly melting into darkness.

            “Do you want to play cards Grandma?” Tasia asks hopefully, but Mom quickly shoots down that idea since there are too many people present. As the adults chat and the rest of us youth are watching a cartoon, Grandma’s sharp cry of pain interrupts us.

            “Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow” Grandma says shifting around in her chair. Tasia and I quickly turn around from the T.V. to look at Grandma with concerned frowns on our faces. There is a silence, like no one wants to say anything.

“It’s okay Pudding” Papa says getting up to gently pat her on her shoulder. I watch two of my distant relatives look at each other and smile a little, which makes me drop my jaw flabbergasted. I clench my teeth in anger and am about to say something to those rude people, when I notice Grandma gritting her dentures in pain. Grandma’s eyes water a little. Even Mom roles her eyes and sighs in discontent at Grandma’s display of pain. What is going on?

“Grandma are you okay?” Tasia asks, fear is lased in her voice.

            “I hope so darling” Grandma answers tenderly.

Sweet Aunt Valerie surprisingly stands up in a huff and says “Oh enough Ma.” She puts her hands on her wide hips. Grandma slowly looks up to her oldest child with tears in her eyes.

            “What?” Grandma asks softly.

            “We all know you just want a slave to do everything for you. You’ve been pretending to be sick for the last twenty years! I’m fifty now. I’m ageing myself, I don’t have the energy to keep up with your demands to go to the store for you, clean your house, cook, and check up on you multiple times a week just because you act like you’re in pain!” Aunt Valerie raises her voice. So that’s why nobody believes her. Even if Grandma faked an illness for attention before, I don’t think tonight is one of those times. Tears roll down Grandma’s round cheeks.

“I didn’t mean to make anybody upset,” Grandma says her voice quivering, but her response is left ignored. I can feel the heavy atmosphere pressing my small body into the couch. My heart feels torn about how Grandma is being treated. Can’t anyone see but me that Grandma is really suffering? I just can’t take it anymore. I don’t care if I do suffer from social anxiety. Tears streak my round cheeks that I inherited from Grandma. Aunt Valerie turns her back and picks up her purse that was on the mahogany dinning table.

            “Let’s go ya’ll,” Aunt Valerie demands from Mesha and Freddy. They follow Aunt Valerie’s angrily switching legs out of the door. Cold air brushes past the entrance of the house and fills the living room.

            “I didn’t mean to make anybody upset,” Grandma repeats. Tasia is grasping her knees as she leans forward from the couch looking at Grandma earnestly. She also has tears in her eyes. Her mouth starts to open, seemingly to say something, but then her eyes dart across the room to her unfamiliar relatives. In consequence her mouth closes. Tasia has always been so soft and timid, she’d never defend Grandma on her own.

            Suddenly I feel a strong impression on my soul that this might be the last time I see Grandma. Goosebumps cover all over my skin, and it is not from the chill of the recently closed door. I have a feeling that it’s God trying to warn me. My eyes are wide as I rub my goose bump filled arm in silent shock. After I recover from my shock I urgently look at my sister to see if she had the same feeling. Tasia meets my urgent look with sadness.

            “Come on kids,” Mom says slowly standing up “I think we should go too.” I look at Mom in disbelief.

            “That’s awful!” I finally cry out.  

            “Raven you don’t understand.”

            “Yes I do.”

            “The kids don’t need to see this. They’re getting upset,” Papa intervenes before Mom could say anything else back to me. Mom nods her agreement. Darrell shifts his weight from one foot to the other after he also stands up. Tasia and I stay sunken in the couch.

            “We don’t want to go yet. What if—?” Tasia says softly. What if Grandma is not faking is what Tasia fails to say out loud, most likely for fear of controversy, but I know what she wanted to say.

“It will be fine Tasia” Mom reassures her. We reluctantly stand up not wanting to make an even greater scene.

            “Bye Grandma,” Tasia says hugging Grandma tightly for a while. “I love you.”

Something is prompting me to tell her I love her too. I have a feeling it’s God. I don’t remember telling her that I loved her since I was a little kid. I want to obey. My heart is bursting with love toward Grandma—love and pity, but I’m scared to say that.  

 I give Grandma a small smile and throw one arm across her shoulders. God prompts me to hug her more affectionately. I tighten my eyes but my body refuses to listen. I’m sorry God. I’m just not ready for all that right now.

“Bye Grandma,” I whisper. My hand around her shoulder is shaking with nervousness.

“Goodbye darling,” Grandma says in her usual quavering voice.

…

A Week Later

Wednesday

School was fine today. I can’t believe a week passed since that horrible visit to Grandma’s house. A couple of days ago I overheard Aunt Valerie and Mom laughing about it. When I first heard them laugh my blood boiled, and I had to let them know how awful they acted towards poor Grandma. She’s probably really sick. I can tell Tasia admired me when I called them out on that injustice. However, I think everyone’s getting over that incident now and talking about thanksgiving. I’m also less worried about it since I heard that Grandma took a walk in the park yesterday and is doing fine.

I look up from writing in my diary. Tasia has the pop radio station turned up.

“I’m so sick and tired of hearing that mess!” I thunder at Tasia who is trying to style her natural hair. “Turn it off, I’m trying to do my homework!” I lie. Tasia turns her head from the mirror on the wall surprised.

“I’ll turn it down, but after my favorite song goes off. You don’t have to yell at me like that either,” Tasia responds.

“No. I want it off or I’m going to throw that stupid radio in the dumpster,” I threaten, hopping off the bed and throwing my hands on my hips.

“Raven, just wait until the song goes off,” Tasia insists, annoyed and turns back to the mirror to finish plaiting her shoulder-length coils. I grit my teeth and march up to the dresser where the radio is playing. I rip the cord from the socket and carry the radio over my shoulder while walking out of the room. “Raven stop!” Tasia screams when she realizes what is happening. “Why are you always so mean to me? I didn’t even do anything to you!” Tasia screams with pain in her voice. I pause. I feel a pang of regret in my gut. During that pause, Tasia lunges at me and attempts to yank the radio away from my grasp. This propels me backwards, so that I almost fall.

Now I’m angry. I take a shoe that is beside me on the floor and run after Tasia with it. Tasia screams. Finally, Mom runs up the steps to stop the altercation. She had to hang up an important phone call when Tasia’s screams became to prevalent.

“What’s going on? You two need to stop,” Mom hisses getting in between us. Tasia bursts out crying. In between sobs she tries to explain what happened. I stand with a blank expression. I didn’t mean for it to turn out like this, I just wanted the music off. But now there’s nothing that I can do.

“It’s okay baby,” Mom rubs Tasia’s back in comforting circles with one hand, and calls Aunt Valerie with another. “Hi Valerie, change of plans. Can you please come pick up Tasia? The girls have been fighting, and I think they need to separate. Okay, thanks.” Soon they leave me alone in her room. After Aunt Valerie drops what she was doing to pick up Tasia, I look out the window to see Mom sitting down on the porch in the glow of the late afternoon. That’s weird. Mom hates sitting outside. She thinks the neighbors are too nosy. I visit Mom on the porch. She is holding her head in her hands staring out into space. I sigh.

“I’m sorry Mom,” I say timidly. For once I actually listen to God’s prompting. Mom just nods her head a little. A minute goes by in silence.

“Mom, what were you and Aunt Valerie going to do before me and Tasia fought?” 

“We were going to go see Grandma and apologize in person about the other day. I just got a phone call from Papa. He said that Grandma needs help with something and wants us to come over.”

“So we should go.” Mom shakes her head slowly.

“No, I don’t think I’m going to go now.” I cover my head with my black hoodie feeling ashamed. I know that I am the reason why Mom and Aunt Valerie doesn’t want to go to Grandma’s house today anymore. They think I’ll cause problems with Tasia. After a while of sitting on the porch together, Mom says

“I’m a little worried that I was wrong. What if Grandma is really sick this time? She’s the type of person that wants her whole family around her on her deathbed.”

…

            While Mom is out with Darrell to the store, I blog about all that transpired. I write about my feelings of guilt about breaking the radio that ended up in pieces on the floor. Grandma gave Tasia that pink radio for her last birthday. After I finish describing the conversation with Mom, I write in my diary “the end,” but an eerie feeling tells me that the night is not over.

            Not two seconds after I finish writing “end,” I hear the front door open with a bang. A pair of feet rush up the steps and Darrell opens her bedroom door in a rush.

            “Come down quickly,” he tells me “Mom has something to tell you.” I can feel my heart beat like a lump in my throat. No. It can’t be. I quickly swing my covers to the side and runs to the top of the steps. Mom is at the foot of the staircase crying.

            “Grandma passed away,” she says softly crying. I burst out in sobs and crumple to the ground. I knew I should have defended Grandma more. I knew I should have told her that I loved her no matter how embarrassing that is. I knew I should not have started that stupid fight with Tasia, if I hadn’t then Mom would have been there for Grandma when she was dying. When I come to myself again I run down the steps and hug Mom.

…

            At Grandma’s house, a lot of the family members that were gathered here a week ago are here again mourning over Grandma’s stiff body on the floor where she fell from her heart attack. Tasia is gently touching Grandma’s swollen foot as she sobbed and apologized to Grandma for not sticking up for her. I hesitantly put a hand on Tasia’s shoulder.

            “I’m so sorry, Tasia, for everything,” I say. I never thought that taking Tasia’s radio away would have the awful consequence of stealing the last chance she had of seeing Grandma alive. She doesn’t respond to me right away. Her body is still shaking with sobs. I bow my head and swear that I will listen to God when he speaks from now on, and not be afraid to show familial affection.

            “It’s okay,” Tasia finally whispers back to me. I squeeze beside Tasia and hold her hand so that we can both mourn over Grandma’s body.

…

            A month after Grandma died, Mom is driving us to Arby’s after we got out of school. Mom and Aunt Valerie especially are still troubled by Grandma’s death, especially since she was a Jehovah’s Witness. They weren’t sure if Jehovah Witnesses were really saved since they did not consider them Christian. The topic of religion comes up in the car.

“Just because they may not believe every detail in the Bible that this would not damn Grandma to hell. Grandma could be very well in heaven,” Tasia boldly argues with Mom.

I chuckle at Tasia. She’s finally not afraid to speak her mind. I close my eyes and briefly pray that God will give me revelation on where Grandma’s soul is. A cloud of peace settles into the car. I feel like I know that answer.

            “Don’t feel bad, Grandma is okay Mom,” I reassure her. “I love you.”